Meanwhile, on the west coast of Ireland...
The scene is the living room in Craggy Island Parochial House. Father Jack, an elderly man of the cloth, is asleep in a chair in the corner of the room. A large sweat-stain surrounds his head like a halo. In the centre of the room is a dining room table and chair. A computer sits on the table, being used by Father Ted. He looks up at the camera.
Ted : Hello, Father Ted Crilly here. I'd just like to welcome you all to...
Father Dougal enters noisily on a pair of rollerblades.
Dougal : What's all this, Ted?
Ted (raises eyes skywards): Oh, hello, Dougal.....
Dougal : This looks great, Ted. What does this do?
Dougal presses some buttons on the computer. The message 'Formatting hard disk, please wait...' appears on the monitor. A look of horror appears on Ted's face.
Ted : DOUGAL! You big eejit! Now look what you've done.
Dougal : Ah sure, not to worry, Ted. Can't you do whatever it was again?
Ted : No, I flipping well can't, Dougal. There's an awful lot of work goes into maintaining a web site, you know.
Dougal (looks embarassed): Oh, right...
Brief pause
Dougal : What's that then, Ted?
Ted : Ah, honestly, Dougal. Would you not try and keep up with the latest developments? We don't want all the other priests thinking we're the big thicko priests from the island, do we?
Dougal (looking determined) : No, Ted. We definitely don't want that.
Ted : Take Father Jack, there. (nods toward Jack, who is asleep in his chair with his mouth open. He twitches and snorts occasionally and there are several obviously empty bottles hair tonic are on the floor around him. They apparently haven't been used on his hair) He always kept himself up to date with the latest in technology.
Dougal : Did he? God, I'd never have thought that, Ted.
Ted : Yes, I know. I think it was his discovery that you could extract pure alcohol from a mixture of washing powder, raspberry Angel Delight and cough sweets that ruined him and cost him a brilliant career in research. Nearly cost him his eyesight, too...
Dougal : Is that why he's always angry, Ted?
Ted : Ah no, I think it was joining the priesthood did all that. He never liked the way having to say mass interfered with his Sunday drink. Which is is understandable, I suppose.
Dougal :It'd be like the way that new mass on a Saturday night interferes with your stud poker night, wouldn't it, Ted?
Ted (getting flustered) : No Dougal, it wouldn't be like that at all! In fact,....
Mrs. Doyle, the housekeeper, enters, singing tunelessly at the top of her voice.
Mrs. Doyle : Ah hello, Fathers! (stares suspiciously at Ted's computer) And what are we doing today?
Ted : Ah hello, Mrs. Doyle. I've just been trying to show Dougal the Internet. I think you'll find it fascinating too. There's all kinds of useful information there, and.....
Mrs. Doyle (shaking her head and looking slightly disgusted) : I don't think so, Father.
Ted (taken aback) : Why not, Mrs. Doyle. Look, there's a whole section on tea, and as for sandwiches, well, the amount of information is mind-boggling.
Mrs Doyle (haughtily) : I mean all the rude sites they have there, Father. I think it's shocking! Pictures called big_lad dot jpeg and sites like w-w-w dot spank dot.....
Ted (flustered) : Yes, well, I can assure you we won't be looking at anything like that, Mrs. Doyle!
Mrs. Doyle sweeps out of the room disdainfully. Ted sits down at the computer and Dougal stands behind him, looking over his shoulder, trying to see the screen. Eventually Ted gets annoyed.
Ted (exasperated) : DOUGAL! Will you stop that, please. I'm trying to fix the damage you did earlier. Go and rollerblade around the graveyard for a while and let me finish this.
Dougal (cheerily) : Righto then, Ted.
Dougal leaves as noisily as he entered. Jack stirs and mutters in his chair. Ted turns back to the computer.
Ted : Right then, let's see now.....
Time passes. Eventually Ted leans back in his chair and stretches. Jack is still asleep in his chair.
Ted : Phew! That was difficult, but tremendously rewarding. Imagine! Our very own web site. Now people as far away as Leitrim will able to see what life is like on Craggy Island. (getting up) I think I deserve a nice cup of tea after all that work. (to Jack) What do you think, Father?
Jack (waking up) : WHAT!?!!
Ted : I've just set up our web site after that eejit Dougal destroyed all the work I'd done.....
Jack : WHAT?!!?!
Ted : Never mind, Father. I was just going to ask Mrs. Doyle to make a cup of tea. Would you like a cup....?
Jack : DRINK !!!
Ted : All right, then. You just sit there (points to the chair in front of the computer) and I'll see if Mrs. Doyle has any drink left (mutters under breath) though I doubt it.
Ted leaves the room. Jack stares around slowly until his gaze falls on the screen of the computer. He squints at it, then tentatively presses a few buttons on the keyboard. Seconds later, he is typing like a professional typist, chuckling madly to himself. Occasionally, he glances around suspiciously, then resumes typing at a furious rate. When he is finished, he stands up and looks toward the camera.
Jack : WEB SITE?!!? ARSE!!!
Jack shuffles out of the room, muttering the word 'drink' under his breath.
Ah, hello again. Father Ted Crilly here. I just wanted to apologise for that unfortunate incident with the web site. Fr. Jack has been under a lot of stress since the bishop told him to cut down the amount of altar wine he was using at Mass. I don't think he was too keen on Jack drinking it out of the bottle either. Anyway, I've done what I can, so if you like, you can click on the 'Father Ted' button below and see what's left of my web page. I hope you like it. If you'll excuse me, I think Father Jack is complaining that the straps are too tight.....
