UPDATED DAILY Doctoring Machine Two guys are talking and one guy says, "You know, I'm got to see a doctor about my sore elbow." The other guy answers, "You don't have to. There's a new machine at the drugstore now. All you have to do is piss in a bottle, pour it in the machine and the machine will tell you what's wrong with you!" So the first guy runs down to the drugstore, finds the machine, pisses in a bottle, pours it in the machine and two minutes later a piece of paper comes out reading, "You have Tennis elbow, rest it for two weeks and it will heel." At first he is just totally amazed, but by the time he gets home he is a bit intimidated by the technology and decides that he wants to fool the machine. He goes to the backyard. gets some dog shit and puts it in a bottle. Next he gets his wife and then his daughter to piss in this bottle. Finally he jerks off in the bottle. He shakes the bottle up and rushes back to the drugstore. He gets to the machine and pours it into the machine. About ten minutes later a slip of paper comes out of the machine reading, "Your dog has worms. Send him to the vet. Your daughter has a cocaine problem. Send her to rehab. Your wife is pregnant, with twins. They are not yours. Get a lawyer. And for God's sake man, stop jerking off or your tennis elbow will never heal!" Fags or what There was a guy walking down the street and he bumped into an old buddy, Steve. Mark (the first guy) and Steve get talking and Mark asks Steve what he's been up to. "I'm going to university," says Steve. "Oh, really. What are you taking?" asks Mark. "Philosophy," he says. "What kind of philosophy?" "Logic, actually," says Steve. "What's logic?" asks Mark. "Well, it's kind of like this -- have you got a fishbowl, Mark?" "Yeah, I do as a matter of fact." "Well, if you've got a fish bowl, you probably like fish, don't you." "Yeah, I do." "And if you like fish, chances are you probably like animals, right?" "Yeah, I love animals." "Well, if you love animals, I'd say there was a probability that you like people as well." "Yeah, I do. I like people." "And if you like people, I'll bet you like women." "That's for sure!" "And, Mark, if you like women I'd be willing to bet that you like sex." "Geez, Steve, I love sex." "Well that's the way it works, Mark -- that's logic." "Wow, that's great," says Mark. At the end of their conversation, Steve had to run and Mark continued on his way down Richmond Street, only to bump into another friend, Paul. They get talking and Mark tells Paul he ran into Steve only minutes earlier. "Oh, really. What's he up to these days?" asks Paul. "He's at university," says Mark. "What's he taking?" asks Paul. "Logic," says Mark. "What's logic?" asks Paul. "Well, let me see -- it's sort of like this, Paul: Have you got a fish bowl? " "No, I haven't, Mark." "What are you, some kind of fag?" says Mark indignantly. mean A man was walking down the beach early one morning when he happened upon a lady laying on the sand. She had no arms and no legs and she was crying. "What is the matter?" he asked. She replied, "I have never been hugged." The man thought for a moment and bent down to her and gave her a hug. The next morning he went for his usual walk and there she was again, laying on the sand, no arms and no legs, crying. "What is the matter, now?" he asked. She replied, "I have never been kissed." The man thought for a moment and bent down and gave her a kiss. The following morning the man was strolling down the beach again. Again he saw the lady laying on the sand, with no arms and no legs, and crying. "What is the matter, now?" the man asked again. She replied, "I have never been fucked." The man thought for a moment and then bent down, scooped the sobbing woman into his arms and picked her up. He carried her out to the end of the pier, threw her into the water, and said, "You're fucked, now!"
You know it's going to be a bad day when . . . . . . your twin sister forgets your birthday. . . . you wake up face down on the pavement. . . . you put your bra on backwards and it fits better. . . . you call suicide prevention and they put you on hold. . . . you see a "60 Minutes news team" waiting in your outer office. . . . your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. . . . your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business. . . . you want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party, and there aren't any. . . . you turn on the TV news and they're displaying emergency routes out of your city. . . . the woman you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife. . . . you wake up to discover that your water bed broke and then you realize that you don't have a water bed. . . . your horn goes off accidently and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway. . . . you get a rejection notice from the HUMOR Listserver saying that you're no longer funny . . . your doctor tells you, "Well, I have bad news and good news..." . . . you open the paper and find your picture under a caption that reads: "WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE!" . . . your ex-lover calls and tells you he has 6 days to live, and that you'd better get the Test . . . you wake up at work naked in front of your co-workers . . . when someone accuses you of faking humor . . . your lover tells you, "I'm sub-letting another apartment and the movers are here to move me." . . . you have an appointment in 10 minutes and you just woke up . . . you need your chocoholic fix and the government just banned chocolate
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